Went shopping the other day.  Felt good.  I've lost some weight, so there's that.  I'm on what many call the "divorce diet."  It works wonders.  I don't really know how to pick up the pieces of my heart at this point but figured I'd write about things I have attempted or might try in the near future.  Shopping was one of the things I found therapeutic.  Running my wedding dress through motor oil then tossing it in the trash felt pretty fantastic for a moment, then I felt horrible afterwards.  I didn't stop there.  I should have stopped there but lacked all self-control.  I cut up pictures.  Wedding, birthday, anniversary, you name it.  I ripped those suckers apart, tears in my eyes, pain and anger in my heart.  I probably looked rabid, but if felt good, for about five minutes then I sobbed uncontrollably.  I didn't stop there though, I kept going.  I smashed my wedding and engagement rings.  I destroyed a portrait of my husband and I that he had painted from my favorite picture of us for my birthday.  My stomach still hurts from doing that.  I just feel there's no point, it isn't reality anymore, it was all lies and a big waste of time.  Right?  I must look to the future, but I'm exhausted.  It's hard to see any light through my tears.  They stop for a short while then I'm back at it again.  I still function.  I do the dishes, hold a job, but I walk around crying.  I can't believe this is happening, it's just not real.  But it is.  It's very real.  My next plan of action is to go out drinking and meet people.  Hopefully the man of my dreams will fall right at my feet.  But he was the man of my dreams.  Handsome, soothing voice, tender hands.  He's not the man of my dreams anymore, he's going to be someone else's.  It's hard to face that reality but reality doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings.  Reality is an asshole.  Back to the man of my dreams falling at my feet.  Hope it happens soon, maybe he'll be so damned perfect I won't even remember I'm currently still married?  One can hope right?  Regardless I deserve happiness and as much as I hate to admit it so does he.  So far my first plan of action didn't result in anything but hurt pertaining to smashing, trashing, and ripping.  My second plan of action of getting drunk probably won't bring any relief either.  Time is about the only thing that's going to get me through this unfortunately, and just like "Reality," "Time" is an even bigger asshole and doesn't give a shit.  The two are clearly evil siblings.  I'm going to get into the habit of finding a new normal.  I'm going to take care of myself and heal.  I'm going to rediscover who I was and who I wanted to be.  It hurts like hell but as each day passes I realize this might all be for some greater good.  Anyone else going through this stay strong, we've got this and we're going to happily cold-clock "Time" in the face and throw gasoline and a match on "Reality."